Note: A reader wrote in to ask what we thought of Amy Chua’s assertion in the Wall Street Journal: Why Chinese Mothers are Superior, given our mixed relationship and our target audience. This is our response.
I couldn’t have been more than 4 or 5 years old. It wasn’t my first day at school, perhaps the second or third. I don’t remember much about that day itself, except that, as soon as the teacher had stepped outside for an errand, I stepped outside the door myself, looked left and right, and then ran for home.
Home was about 5 minutes away, and I don’t remember how I knew the way, or why nobody stopped me. I knocked on the door hoping for a happy reunion with my mum who had dropped me at school 15 minutes ago. The mortified look on my mum’s face told me otherwise. I was alone, knocking on the door. How could that be?
As soon as I told mum very proudly that I had run from school, she was besides herself. She found a piece of rope, tied me with it, then went looking for my dad’s sturdy leather belt and beat the living daylights out of me. I don’t remember the beating itself, but the look on my mum’s face. There was anger, yes, but she also had tears rolling down her eyes.
This personal story is my way of telling Amy Chua, why her methods of bringing up her kids are anachronistic. They were correct in a time and for a place – and she is not in that place or time.
If you don’t know who Amy Chua is, then please read this excerpt from her book, published on the Wall Street Journal: Why Chinese mothers are superior.
There are several excellent rejoinders to this: here and here. Here is mine (an Indian father with a Western wife living and raising kids in a Western society – Indian and Chinese parenting used to share the same values):
The beating from my mum after I ran made sure that I never did that again. But it also meant, I never questioned authority. I was, and still am, afraid of people who may be perceived to have a higher standing than me due to the role they play in life. It has been my undoing. I never questioned why. I learned to cram and pass exams with flying colors. I entered the workforce but did not know how to take initiative. Worse, I didn’t know that I wasn’t taking initiative or was afraid to challenge authority. Only when I joined the workforce in a Western office did I realize my inadequacies in these fields.
The kind of parenting Amy Chua advocates means that kids do not think for themselves. She is not raising individuals, but clones of herself. It shows immaturity, lack of self confidence and selfishness. She is raising them so that when they are adults, they will be too afraid to say no to her for their life choices. She is afraid to cut the umbilical cord.
Further, she is not comparing apples to apples. My mum, beat me, because education was the only way I would be able to get out of poverty and live a happier life. Horses for courses, I suppose. Most Chinese, and Indian, parenting during that time of eighties and nineties was based on making a better life for the kids by making sure they had the tools necessary for getting out of the cycle of poverty. Western society, at that point, was (and is) wealthier. Parents can afford for their kids to make their own decisions, fail, and try something else till they find their own calling in life.
In India and China, if you didn’t follow your parents map of life for you, you would simply be left behind in the mass of humanity. Things are of course, changing, as both these societies get richer and parents get more relaxed about their kids lives. This change itself should tell Amy Chua’s that her methods of parenting are medieval.
Like all parents, Shellie and I, worry about our kids (they are only 3.3 and 1.1) . Especially our daughter, who likes to do a million things. We try and introduce her to as many experiences in life as we financially can. In her short life span, she has been to singing, dancing, gymnastics, painting, swimming and sports classes. She loves to play with Shellie’s iPhone and her Grandma’s iPad. She dabbles a lot on my computer and messes up my folders. She watches an hour of TV everyday. She goes to the park, reads stories at night, gets tantrums, fights with us, gets fussy about food and complains. And with every new day, she is learning something new and valuable. That she is free to do her own thing in life and she is free to voice her opinion. We are her parents and we will support her in whatever she decides to do. Her life is hers to make.
As a stay at home father, it is easy to see how mothers are made to feel guilty over every little aspect of their home and kids. The worse offenders are other mothers. With a provocative title like “Why Chinese Mothers are superior”, Amy Chua is bringing nationalistic hues to an already hotly debated topic in the Western world. What she fails to understand is that the methods of parenting that she learnt from her parents, were relevant in a time and place that is not her own domain. She is a clone of her own mother, and she wants her kids to be the same. Not being able to think for themselves.
I do not know of a single Chinese origin Math whiz or musical prodigy. Do you? Yet, I can easily name several from the Western world. What happens to all those wonderful prodigies? I can guess. They end up being employed by a Western entrepreneur who learnt to think for himself. Someone who learnt to create and innovate. Too much of a generalization? Yes, as much as the generalization that all Chinese kids are Math whizzes and musical prodigies.
I would ask her only one question. When does the child get to be a child?
I enjoy your perspective on the piece. I read the excerpt and, quite honestly, was beside myself. I have to say that I am quite satisfied with NOT being a cookie-cutter child. I am NOT the same as everyone else. We are all different and that, in itself, is something to be respected.
She’s right, though, on this account: she can get away with things that Western moms can’t. It seems to be verbal abuse. To this day, though I am more than I was told, I still remember the things my mother called me, said to me, and mocked me about. Certainly doesn’t make me too fond of her, but I love her, nonetheless. All that to say that RELATIONSHIP is what people are about. If we can’t relate to one another, including a child, how are we to grow and respect others?
Kudos to her on having daughters who can play a piano and violin and get straight A’s. My daughter is a strong-headed leader who enjoys seeing people happy when they accomplish something hard. She also includes me in her RELATIONSHIPS, TRUSTS me, and I don’t have to spy on her.
I better stop while I’m ahead…but I just wanted to scream at half of what I read! How much more insulting to ‘Western’ parents could she have been?!? Praise God for mercy and grace. THAT’S relationship.
I just need to point that the title Why chinese mothers are better was chosen by the WSJ, Not the author. The actual title of the book is Battle for the Tiger Mother. So it was the journal trying, and succeding, in raising controversy.
And even though i don’t agree with all she says, nor with what you say, for that matter, the part about assuming instead of weakness really rings a bell
While I sympathize with the writer of the craftgossip opinion piece, I have to wonder: when did Craftgossip turn into this kind of blog? I like the fact that this blog is generally without politics or the like.
I follow other blogs and websites for news and opinion. I follow this blog to get my creative juices flowing.
Hi Mary,
CraftGossip is not turning into a news/opinion blog and this is a one off. A reader asked our opinion and therefore this writeup. Regular posts continue as always!
Vikram
I originally read an excerpt of hers that did not come across as harsh, that seemed to focus on the concept of expecting excellence or the attempt at excellence without the focus on punishing failure, and I thought maybe that’s the ticket. Then I read the full piece and thought my goodness she’s nuts. So, now I’m back to my original thoughts on parenting, which are: start with a good foundation, model the behaviors you want them to exhibit, balance is good, cross your fingers and hope for good luck and MOST IMORTANTLY, make sure they know you love them no matter what and that as long as they give their best effort, they are winners. My mom wasn’t perfect, but knowing that everything she said and did came from love made the mistakes insignificant. I always knew that she wanted what she believed was best for me for my sake, so even when I disagreed, I loved her concern. I think maybe Mrs. Chua’s approah is unbalanced, but to some degree, she is right in that we need to teach children real value, not to quit because something is hard, and especially that an investment in yourself always pays off(particularly in education).
My opinion? Every child needs to be raised according to his or her needs. There’s no right or wrong answer. Amy Chua’s article is written as a certain perspective, and it should be taken as such. No need to be bothered by it. If you don’t want to raise your children that way, then don’t. I have four younger brothers, and we grew up in the same house – yet we all required different things. Unless there is abuse going on, I don’t offer my opinion on other’s child rearing. No parent is perfect, and I assume like most parents that Amy is doing the best she can. It’s always good to hear other perspectives, even if you don’t agree with them. In the end – just do what is right for your kid.
I don’t think that Mrs. Chua was being insulting to Western mothers at all. I think she was being insulting to the Chinese culture and to her own children. She is absolutley abusive and unfortunatly the cycle will continue within her family.
Good analysis. The other problem is that children need an opportunity to discover their OWN talents and interests. They can’t do that when they are forced to do only what the parent deems worthy. What might they do if allowed to explore for themselves? To nurture their own curiosity? I know this from being raised in my father’s self image. I was in my 50’s before I discovered what I enjoyed doing and what captured my own imagination. Up until then, I could only guess. BTW, my father and I are estranged. He never was able to cut the cord. I finally had to be the one to do it.
first thing i thought when i saw this was i thought this was a craft site?? if topics not related to the site are to be discussed, can there be a link to them instead of being amongst the craft topics?
I think this essay is taken out of the grander scheme of the book and blown out of proportion. The impression I came away with was much different. I think this is a small piece of a greater work that taken by itself is changed. She questions herself whether this is the best way to raise her children– struggling with her own upbringing in the process. This excerpt/essay was pushed forward to increase publicity and book sales because of its shock value– the work itself is much less controversial.
Parents should definitely find a certain balance between the American way and the Chinese way described in Amy’s book. Her approach lacks this balance and ignores the fact that not every child is capable of performing well under so much pressure. What concerns me is that this book can really damage the reputation of those Chinese parents who don’t practice her methods.